All four peacebuilders reported that CCMT KASH enhanced their abilities to solve problems peacefully.
“Being quiet not to respond harshly while the conflict arose was the effective way to solve my problem. It gave me time to consider the reason and helped me calm down as well. It released my anger and helped me speak out consciously.”
“Understanding and being tolerant toward each other is really important among the husband and wife communication. To fight for being a winner is not working to improve the relationship among them.”
“I remembered about the Khmer proverb which stated “Time is the medicine.” So the response I took is avoiding to release the hot feelings. [Avoiding is] a good practice which helps to prevent conflicts. I can have time to think how to talk to [my spouse] so [s/he] can understand my purpose."
“...I always find a quiet place to be alone and try to calm down.”
“Conflict analysis tools which I used helped release the anger by taking away from the problems for a while... It enhances me to prevent the serious problem."
“...we obviously will not really want to make any reconciliation if we are under strong emotions.”
“Fighting to win is not a good way to deal with the conflict, but discussing and reconciling is...”
“He...speaks aloud and cries at us....I am very angry with him, but as I try to put myself under empathetic listening and forgiveness, I could see his weakness and try to understand more about him.”
“We better forgive ourselves so that we can gradually forgive others.”
“I used to assume..., but now I've changed the way of thinking...to look at the problem tree...to find out the reason and help...find the solution to the problem.”
Two stories of significant change also demonstrated how peacebuilders became better equipped to resolve conflict. In the first, a husband was able to control his strong reactions long enough to handle the problem in a peaceful way that actually deepened his connection with his wife.
#15.In a third party role, another peacebuilder was able to help a mother reconcile a serious conflict between father and son.
One day we went out for breakfast with a few friends and afterwards, my wife wanted to go into the market with a few of them and left me with our baby daughter. It seemed that the minute my wife was out of sight, our baby started screaming and there was nothing I could do to comfort her. I tried and tried and after about 20 minutes I tried to phone my wife and she did not answer. When she finally came back it was nearly an hour later and I was furious. I told her quietly but very clearly, “We are going to talk about this when we get home.” We sat in silence in the tuk tuk and when we got home I went to my room and she went to nurse our baby and put her to sleep. As I sat there I was going through all the harsh things I was going to say to her…about this and also about all the other things that bother me about her… but then I remembered something from the course… I wonder why she took so long in the market. Could she possibly have a reason for being away so long? A little while later she came in rather sheepishly and said, “We should talk, right?” ready for me to start screaming at her. Instead, much to her obvious amazement, I calmly asked her, “What took you so long in the market? And why didn’t you answer the phone when I called you.” Her answer was simple, she had heard that one could get a second-hand baby carrier at the market and 2 sellers sent her to different parts of the market where she might find one (hmmm…I thought to myself, she was also thinking about the wellbeing of our baby!). And regarding the phone, a vendor told her that the previous day, someone in the market had her phone stolen so it was important to put it deep into ones bag or pocket so that, coupled with the noise of the market, made it impossible for her to hear it. I heard her side of the story and was very much aware that she had done nothing wrong. She agreed with me that an hour was too long to be away from our baby and won’t do that again but that whole situation and the way we talked about it was very good for our marriage.
#19.As mentioned above, avoidance to allow time to calm down was a useful strategy in many conflict situations. However, some interview answers also indicated that avoidance may be negatively implemented as a method of overlooking problems in order to maintain a superficial peace, without actually finding a mutually satisfying solution to the problem.
I notice that now that I have these new skills from the Peace Bridges training, that people in my village seek me out to help them solve their problems, not the village chief, me! There was one couple recently who was having lots of problems with their teenage son. At first he was skipping school and then gambling and the final “straw” (something that seems quite minor which proves too much to tolerate) was when he sold the father’s warm coat to pay off a gambling debt. A loud alteration resulted in the son leaving home and going to stay at his grandmother’s house. The mother, distraught, came to see me to ask for advice on how to repair the relationship with the son. My advice to her was to recognize that anger exists but to be careful not to give it too much ability to control us. I said go and visit the son regularly at the grandmother’s, with no agenda other than letting him know that you have not forgotten him and that you love him, and so that you know that he is still there and safe. The mother did this a few times and then finally the son was ready to explain to her his anxiety over not being a good student and the pressures he felt from his father who was constantly criticizing him. The mother then went back to her husband and described the son’s frustration. She then returned to the son and explained that because the son was his oldest, he wanted him to be the best that he could be. Upon hearing this, the son returned home.
Cases also indicated a need for further role-play practice during training sessions in order to enhance the formation of healthy habits for problem-solving/conflict situations.
