3.2.2 Spousal Equality

Regarding “fairness among the spouses”, CCMT lessons on power were important. Both male respondents referred to the use of power in conflicts (in some examples it was the man using power, and in some it was the woman using power). One individual indicated that these lessons promoted personal awareness of ways in which he had used his societal power as male and financial provider to control his wife's behavior. These lessons also made him aware of verbal violence and a psychology of violence (as opposed to viewing only physical acts as violent).

Lessons pertaining to communication and listening skills also were important, impacting two families by helping to “balance the power” in decision making. It is worth noting here that often conflicts over decision making tended to be related to use of financial resources. (n1)

In one story of significant change, a husband was able to see that his wife’s feelings and perceptions were equally valid.

#37.
I recently went to my orchard with his wife where there is a man who works for us by picking fruit. At the end of the day my wife wanted to give him some extra money for his help- Rs 10000- but when she attempted to give him the money he refused to take it – he just kept trying to give it back at us and when we were driving away the guy tossed the note into the car and I just kept it. My wife was very angry at me for not just tossing it out the window and driving off but I could tell he really didn’t want to take money from us that day. I recognized that my wife had a reason to be upset with me because she was trying to be generous and I prevented that plan and so I apologized and rather than getting angry with her for not seeing my side of the story, I accepted that her feelings were right also. I can definitely say that participating in the course has made me a better husband.

Similarly, another husband was empowered to move away from a pattern of blaming his wife for problems.

#7
Before when there was a problem in our house I always, I mean 100% of the time, blamed my wife. It was always her fault and now I think…hmmm, I guess I added to this problem or I’m the one who started this, or maybe I don’t fully understanding this situation. Before I always looked for excuses and now I am certain that the truth is most important. Even though in Cambodia it is perceived as a weakness, I have the habit of saying I’m sorry even to people who are younger than me. It might look strange but it’s the right thing to do.

Spousal equality intersects strongly with broadly held gender stereotypes. Future programming needs identified by the peacebuilders included gender roles/identity and decision-making strategies. Many stories of conflict also indicated that spousal equality in dealing with financial management could prove useful.

***Notes

1) See note 21 and Blumberg (1984) for the importance of gender and economic control.