Some peacebuilders, however, struggle with applying CCMT KASH when only one spouse has actually attended the CCMT courses, as evidenced by two of the cases who were actively applying CCMT skills at work while applying them in a much more limited way at home. Still, even those cases felt that the course had helped them in their family conflicts, albeit in a more limited fashion than their work situations.
Empathetic listening and emotional regulation skills were once again suggested as crucial at this point.
“From my opinion, all the lessons I found in CCMT are useful and it should be used effectively in different cases. And perhaps my family conflict is a petty one; we can't see it working effectively. I used only empathy listening skill and emotional control with my family situation. Obviously, I used KASH most with my daily practice of work.”One peacebuilder indicated that the spouse's health (physical and emotional) could be a drawback to open communication:
“This response cannot apply for the situation when our partner is a sick person and weak, so that [he/she] can easily get sick if we made [him/her] angry.”Two stories of significant change particularly demonstrated the potential for CCMT KASH to transform family communication patterns.
#2
I know a couple who was fighting a lot and they were to the point of dividing up their children and divorcing. One of our staff sat them down and made it a rule that they had to listen until the other was completely done speaking and that only afterwards they could ask questions. The husband spoke for a very long time and the wife finally asked some very good questions that made him stop and think about her feelings. She did the same, spoke about all her pain and then he asked her some questions. This was the first time they’d ever done something like this and really tried to listen to each other and understand how the other was feeling and how their words and actions affected the other. Our staff was very glad to be a part of providing this kind of support.
#26.Further training needs that were identified for understanding and open communication were: more work with empathetic listening to understand the other's view and values; the role of gossip in escalating or provoking conflict; and parenting issues (such as listening to your children to foster family intimacy).
I have a good marriage but because of PEACE BRIDGES it is now better. My wife was often frustrated because it didn’t feel to her that I listened when she was speaking. I remember once she took my face in her hands, looked into my eyes, and said, “LISTEN TO ME!!!” Before I just thought…oh that’s just the way she is…but I realize that she right and that I could show her I’m focused when she’s trying to tell me something. I admitted for the first time that I didn’t listen as much as she needed me to and that this hurt her. Before I hadn’t thought about how my behavior hurt her and knowing that, because I love her and don’t want to hurt her, I’ve changed.
“Perhaps we are not good listeners to the children. They rarely come to us and discuss their issues. Instead they go and tell their friends. I can see we haven't provided enough family intimacy, that's why our children run out to the others when they have a problem rather than coming to us. We sometimes blame each other for this reason.”
