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Respect for individual differences and needs” was also promoted by CCMT KASH. Once again, empathetic listening skills were indicated as key. Listening could help to uncover common interests and values beneath the differences.
“I believe that if each couple is aware of [empathetic listening skills] and performs them well, they will hardly have the conflict among them. Importantly, they might be able to see the values of one another more clearly.”
“...empathetic listening and emotional control are really important to the situation of my family conflict. It helps me think more deeply to find out what is the reason behind [my spouse's attitude].”
In Curran’s evaluation, one peacebuilder shared a story of how his frustration at experiencing differences with his wife was now balanced with an awareness of and respect for his wife’s identity.
#32.
This story has to do with my wife. I was recently trying to come up with $100 in order to buy a new motorbike. I had a gold ring and was thinking of borrowing money and putting ring as collateral but was hesitant. I spoke with my wife and asked her if I could borrow the money from her and she wanted a guarantee that I’d pay it back and so I gave her the ring and she gave him the money. It went fine – I got the money and got the bike. Shortly thereafter, I was invited to a wedding and wanted to wear the ring so I asked my wife if I could borrow the ring back to wear to the wedding. She refused, saying that if I didn’t pay her back the money, she wouldn’t let me wear the ring. I was very frustrated: “How come this is our family, you are my wife and why can’t you understand the situation and just let me wear it.” Yes, the frustration was still there but the difference between now and before the course is that I am now able to acknowledge that this is just how she is- this is her identity and everyone has a different identity and we should respect this even if we don’t agree. What I need to do is to figure out the best way to live with this person whom I love despite her imperfection. Like the person who has one eye- just have to accept that this is the way it is- no sense thinking about having 2 eyes.
Another story also highlighted the importance of the CCMT lesson on identity in empowering families to respond to differences with respect and compassion.
#33.
My niece also is quick to anger. Once recently I locked the doors of the church school without remembering that she needed to get in there to do her job- tidying up and preparing for the group coming to use the room later. She got furious because someone had locked the door and was yelling for everyone to hear and when I came back I apologized for locking the door and showed her where the key was kept. This didn’t seem to help in making her any less angry. The good thing was that I remembered to be respectful even though I wish she hadn’t reacted so strongly and again, I just accepted her despite her anger. People not only have different identities, they also from different perspectives. We can’t assume we have the same understanding towards the same issue. This is always true.
